Monday, April 25, 2016

Stream of Counsciousness...

Where I've been, where I'm at, and why none of it really matters...

As I was headed (here) to my favorite spot in all of Sarasota, the Ringling Bridge, I was thinking about what I wanted to post about. What do I want to talk about; motherhood, natural living, or having a hot husband ::shoulder shrug::? As I was crossing my favorite bridge I noted the running path along the sides and I was quickly taken back to a memory (or a hundred), of running along that path the times that I have. It seems like decades ago that I was childless, training for a half marathon, and had ZERO time constraints. Who was that person? That girl? The "endurance" athlete who had not experienced natural childbirth, the girl giddy for her medal who hadn't overcome breastfeeding challenges, the girl who had no clue what it was like to love someone more than herself. She's such a faded memory. It's like my current life with children has eclipsed all that I knew, all that I was, and now it's affected all that I will ever be. I don't wish for my old life. I don't wish to go back. I just wish that when I HAD it I really understood what it was; carefree and independent. 

This week has been so challenging for me. I'm seeing my sweet baby girl blossom into and inquisitive little girl and my son is hitting the same milestones that I feel like Ella was hitting just yesterday. It's becoming all too real and I'm realizing more and more how quickly time is fluttering past me and I'm recalling instances with my kids as blurry memories. This is scary shit people. Is Christian with adult children, going to look back on Christian with babies and think "I wish she knew what she had..."?

The answer is YES.

So I will capture it. I will breathe it in and let it soak to the core of my soul. I will laugh harder, play the game Sneaky Snacky Squirrel with Ella 100 more times (it's her favorite), and I will play peek-a-boo with Wilde like its the last time everyday. One day...the games will be put away and the peek-a-boos will be traded for real goodbyes and until that moment I will enjoy every single moment while I can.

Young Child-less Christian,
You did the best you could with the knowledge that you had. I really wish that you would have slept more but you liked to party...

Current Christian,
Leave this spot right now and go cuddle your husband and kiss on your babies. There isn't a blog, a business, a website, or a project in this world that is more important than them. Go steal time sister. 

Ps--as I was leaving my spot on the bridge I saw one of the girls that I used to run with. She didn't recognize me and ran right past. Funny how things work out..