The Truth: I Have Ulcerative Colitis Part 2

So.
I have received an official diagnosis and I have no clue why it was sooo important for me to hear the Doctor say it, but it really was. I think a lot of it had to do with needing someone to confirm what I already knew was the truth. Someone that had some type of "authority". The other reason (that I'm realizing now) is because when my body is healed through diet, I can say that I HAD ulcerative colitis a "non-curable" auto-immune disease.

On the way to the doctors office, Nate and I discussed what our expectation from the appointment would be. Its been 1 year since I have seen this specialist and I was wondering if I'd have to get more testing done. 

All that I wanted was a confirmation of diagnosis and to start an open relationship with a specialist. Thats it.

The last time I saw her; I had a colonoscopy done, blood work and was prescribed medications. Mind you, at this time Ella was only 5 months old and I wasn't wanting to take any medications that would interfere with my breastfeeding relationship but at the time I was open to try. Last year, I tried a few of the medications that she prescribed and within days, my milk supply was drastically lower and I quit taking them…I Have't seen her since.

When we arrived at this appointment I was super nervous. I hate talking about my symptoms, my difficulties, my reality. I like to pretend that my reality is what I share with others; look at my Instagram feed, it's full of healthy food and smiles but that isn't my reality.

She walks into the exam room and says to me with ease, "so you're here to talk about your colitis?" I looked at her stunned and said "I have colitis?" She looked at me like I had three eyes and said "most definitely.." She continues on about how all of my symptoms were in fact UC related, and that I should have followed up with her so that she could have prescribed me other medications last year. 

By the end of the appointment she has prescribed me with three medications to try and clear things up, informs me that if I want to gain remission I must take the medications and suggests that I wean Ellabird as a precautionary measure. If these medications don't help me the IV infusion therapy is definitely not safe for breastfeeding,

nor is it safe for a fetus-so I must stop trying for baby #2.

I left feeling hopeless.  

The Truth: I have Ulcerative Colitis

I don't think I'm going to post this.

I live in agony. 

Thats sort of weird to admit but it's the truth. It's the truth that I have been hiding for a long time. I'd say I have been hiding and sweeping it under the rug for about 3 years. I don't like to tell anyone or talk about it. It's a mixture of being in denial, embarrassed and sad. It's caused me so much pain and embarrassment that I have lost relationships over it, I've had to quit activities that I enjoy and sometimes I can't/don't want to leave my house. Its weird how much it has effected me and I haven't even been able to admit it. 

I don't think I'm going to post this.

I have ulcerative colitis.

Ughhh. Thats the first time I have ever typed that out. Not the "ulcerative colitis" part, I have typed out those words far too many times in the Google search engine. It's the "I have" part that I have never typed out. I also haven't been officially diagnosed with it (that happens tomorrow) but I know that I have it. 

If you don't know what ulcerative colitis is, I can try to explain it. It basically means that the lining of my lower GI has been damaged because of an auto-immune response. There is no "cure" for it but there are "management" measures that can be taken. The symptoms of UC can be pretty nasty and I'd rather not get into it. You can Google it if you'd like to…I pretty much have all of it. Sucks. It's embarrassing. 

I'm not in the midst of a flare-up right now (thank God) but I was a few weeks ago. I don't know how long I'll be ok, how long a flare-up will last or what causes either of these two events. All that I know is that it's a roller coaster. It's probably really hard for you to understand how difficult this situation is and I'd love the opportunity to put into perspective but I can't. If you're looking for perspective on this monster there are a few great bloggers that have written about this subject that have really…"captured the essence?"

The treatment plan (possibly) looks like this; IV steroids, medications that aren't safe for pregnancy and frequent medications to relieve the symptoms associated with this incurable disease. NO THANK YOU!

I'm a healthy person (at least I try). 

I eat consciously, organic and clean. 

I am so mad.

I don't know what to do.

I know how to eat. 

I preach health/wellness yet I'm not well...

I am posting this because I need your help! 

Tomorrow at 9AM I'm going to see my GI Specialist and I need to figure out what to do. Do you know anyone with UC? I spoke to someone briefly that has it and it was a breath of fresh air, she understood exactly what I'm going through but she wasn't local to Sarasota.

**UPDATE: I went to the doctor after this was written and got my "official" diagnoses. I'll be writing about my experience soon.**

I don't do New Year's resolutions.

I have the most difficult time staying inspired when it comes to blogging. It comes in spurts and when it does I should just write all day and get it over with. I think that this will be the very first post that I don't proof read and change. Even after I said that, I just re-read what I wrote and changed something (doh!).  

Lets have real talk. I used to blog, blog often and love it. I still enjoy writing and creating connection but having the store  has really limited my time! I just finished getting my certified lactation counselor certification, I'm finishing my Wee Hands certification (to teach baby ASL) and I'm still working on my Kindermusik classes…all while; cooking dinners, cleaning cloth diapers, nursing my sweet girl, ordering products, running the store, being a wife, etc etc etc.

This blog has taken a back seat..but NOT for long! I'm feeling good. A lot of "need to do" items have been checked off my list and I have a mile long list of blog topics I'd like to talk about.

I don't do "New Years Resolutions" I don't believe in them. I do believe in seasons though, I think that we go through phases. I am currently coming out of my "nose to the grind/unsocial season" I feel like one of those horses when they're in training and they have those weird things on the sides of their head, it's actually so they stay focused. They are called blinders. Some say that blinders were invented when a preacher had a wager with one of his friends. The preacher bet that his horse could walk up the stairs in his home, which the horse did with no problem at all. But, when he tried to coax the horse down again, it wouldn’t budge! So, the preacher covered the horses head and lead him down. He realized that covering all or part of the horse’s vision could encourage the horse to take chances it would not normally take. So my year of "chances" is over and now I embrace a new year of….well…we'll see. I'll let you know when I know!

So with all of that being said…what season are you in? What kind of year has this been for you?